Most men suffer from approach anxiety. There’s no such thing as the perfect or best approach. Here's how to deal with approach anxiety.
There’s no such thing as predicting the perfect setup for the best approach.
When you see a hot woman, what goes through your mind? Be aware of the images and self-talk. Are you telling yourself “I’d like to get with her and feel her body next to mine”?
That will kill your chances of ever getting to know her (except in your fantasies). That’s why you get nervous approaching that hot girl, and nervousness comes through in your physiology as fidgeting.
Fidgeting occurs as a result of an average guy who only cares about getting with the woman because she’s attractive, and doesn’t care if she has a good personality, or even ignoring the fact that she’s a bitch.
Why is this harmful? Part of your nervousness comes from the way you think and treat the women you interact with.
Every time you see an attractive woman, if you think to yourself “Oh my God, she’s so hot, I’d do anything to be with her” you push yourself farther and farther from her. The first reason for this self-talk is low self-esteem.
Women can sense if you are checking them out without trying to get caught. You are subcommunicating that you are willing to sleep with her based on her physical appearance alone, which means that you have low self-esteem, and don’t care if she’s the right girl for you or not, you don’t have standards, you don’t have options, you are coming from a place of scarcity, and other women don’t like you.
You are also affirming that she is out of her league when you shower her with attention and compliments. It feels good for her ego but that doesn’t create attraction. She will be aware that if she gives you any attention, you will feel grateful.
Another consequence is that this puts you in the category of average nice guys, with the rest of the unlucky average guys who are weird, creepy, and cheesy when they interact with women.
It also puts you in a place of weakness rather than power. When an attractive woman walks by and you automatically feel excited, that means you have no choice with women.
The less of a choice you have, the less power you have. The more you do this, the more reference experiences are generated, which will affirm your negative belief system.
This habit is a result of years of social conditioning and anchoring, but the good news is that it is reversible. Though it might take some time and work, it is ultimately worth it.
So how do you change the habit of automatically getting excited when you see an attractive woman?
First, stop talking to your buddies about how hot girls are and what you would do with them when you have them, and all that imaginary images that come to your mind.
By socializing and joking around this way, you get an instant high or gratification, though you know you shouldn’t be doing this.
Second, understand that beauty is very common and it’s not a big deal. Our society worships beautiful people and puts them up on a pedestal, and they are given high regard for something they didn’t earn. They are a dime a dozen, it’s no big deal.
“Third, quit watching porn. You are instilling the belief that you can’t get with attractive women by watching porn, and it will tell your subconscious mind that you are not good enough to attract these women. Third, quit watching porn. You are instilling the belief that you can’t get with attractive women by watching porn, and it will tell your subconscious mind that you are not good enough to attract these women.
Every time you get off on porn, you end up with very bad social interaction when you meet a woman, because you associate the guilt and shame with the woman you’re interacting with, since this is how you feel after masturbating. Also, you start labeling women as whores.
Finally, develop high standards when it comes to women. Ask yourself if she is the type of woman that you want to spend time with.
That will allow you to respond powerfully. Does she meet my values? Is she a nice, good person? Does she give value or take value from others?
Most men are desperate, and they will take whatever comes their way, so they don’t take time to develop these standards.
Surrounding yourself with people that meet your standards is key, and doing so will attract more high value people into your life. As a result, neediness and clinginess dissipates.
Accept it and love it. It’s a good thing, because it means that you are really attracted to this woman. There is chemistry.
Divert that energy towards flirting, sexual communication, and enthusiasm. It is a rush; just use it to take action and put yourself out there, and enjoy the ride.
Reframe the situation: “This girl doesn’t know me, who is she anyway, why does it matter what she thinks of me?”
Most likely you won’t see her again. Though not approaching is comfortable and feels better, you are killing your chances of survival and replication.
Approaching women, though it’s painful, means that you are taking action towards the survival of your genes as a man. If you frame an approach as being social and fun, you have better chances of finding people who will converse with you.
Don’t put too much energy on the outcome. Make the reason why you’re approaching to meet new people and make new friends.
Take baby steps. Start off slow, talk to everyone, young or old, male or female, and practice establishing rapport with people.
Whether you’re in a grocery store, gas station or a bank, start conversations with people. The more you expand your circle and get used to talking to random people and get better at it, you start to step it up, talking to attractive women, all the way up to asking for their numbers.
Set your intentions as making everyone’s day better by being around them. Compliment and walk away, without needing anything.
Focus on what you want, rather than what can go wrong. Play to win, don’t play to not lose.
Practice standing relaxed, with your shoulders back, jaw relaxed, breathing deeply through your nose and mouth. Fill your lungs fully and empty them. Practice this relaxation any time you are out and feeling anxious.
Have a favorite song running in your head while you interact with people. This will make you smile and the negative thoughts will dissipate the tension and allow you to relax.
Laughing and joking around with your buddies is a great way to put you in a positive state. Being in the now is the way for liberation.
Surrender to the moment instead of relating it to past experiences that caused pain, or worrying about the future and trying to avoid embarrassment or rejection.
“ Let go of any outcome, since it is only in the future, which never exists.
Don’t be ashamed of your desires as a man to have sex. We are genetically programmed to want sex, so accept it, cherish it, and don’t hide it.
When you are honest with your intentions, women will respond positively to your demeanor.
Accept your feelings of anxiety, but don’t surrender to them. Know that they exist, be aware of them, breathe through them, and take proper action.
This action could be approaching people without attachment to any particular outcome. You can never change the past, and the opportunity to create a new future is in the moment, so be in the now.
Let go of any outcome, since it is only in the future, which never exists.
Action is what produces results, not thinking about action. Don’t hesitate, obey the 3-second rule and approach whenever you see an attractive woman.
Hesitation will cause you to think, and thinking leads to feelings of anxiety. Anxiety is like fire, and time is like gas. The more you wait, the more anxiety you have because you think more.
Make a habit of not coming up with an opener from a distance. Just walk over and trust that you’ll have something to say. Though you might look stupid initially, the more you do it the faster you become natural.
Be aware of your breathing. This is a great way to be present. Be aware of the sensations in your body, and know that they are impermanent and changing, so there is no point in attaching to anything impermanent.
Approaching can be reframed as liberation from fear and freedom from guilt. This is a great way to control your state. Liberate yourself through taking action.
Approach anywhere at any time. It should be a habit, so you feel bad if you don’t approach. This is called willpower.
Figure out the type of women you are looking for and the type of relationship you’d like to be in, and target the places where you will find this kind of women.
Give up the need to be perfect in your approach. Perfectionists end up doing nothing, since they put too much importance on insignificant details of the interaction and on looking good. Give yourself permission to confidently be vulnerable and less than perfect.
Reduce the pressure with opinion openers, which lessens the anxiety and allows people to express themselves.
Don’t be picky: approach everyone. Its only practice and practice makes perfect! You don’t need to go out with every woman she gives you her number, yet having the confidence to that smoothly will get you ready when the “special someone” walks into your life.
Be aware of your inner voice. “dude don’t approach her, she is with her friends and she might be bothered and will embarrass you.” Your inner voice might say. Keep in mind your inner voice is only trying to protect you from being hurt. Appreciate your inner voice for the good intention it has, thank it, and tell it that nothing bad will happen. I haven’t seen not one time, any of my students got slapped or humiliated by approaching a woman.
Worst case, she will tell you thank you but I am in a hurry or talking with my friends, ect in which you could excuse yourself and wish the woman a good day.
Commit to the three second rule and approach without hesitation. Everytime you lock eye contact with a woman, approach within three seconds. It’s a good way to start building this new muscle and anchor it in your body until it becomes a habit.
NEVER MAKE AN AXCUSE FOR BEING A MAN!
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