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Fear Of Rejection

Fear exists to try to protect us from experiences our brains think will be dangerous and painful. You can reframe it to become a learning experience. Learn more about how to deal with your fear of rejection below...

Fear Of Rejection

Fear Of Rejection

Most of us have some sort of fears that hinder us from accomplishing what we want in our lives. Fear exists to protect us from experiences our brains think will be dangerous and painful. You can re-frame fear of failure to become a learning experience and a feedback of our actions. Instead of telling yourself this will be dangerous and painful, you can say this will be a way to learn how to approach strangers and make friends. I want to learn something, improve my skills, and it doesn’t matter what happens because I will be learning regardless.

How many times have you seen a hot girl and wanted to approach, but you didn’t know what to say so you shied away? Approach without needing an outcome, with no goals other than to chat and get to know people. As a result you become good at approaching people. Just keep chatting with everyone. Otherwise, if you only select attractive women to talk to then you will become outcome dependent and you will crash. Just ask people about random stuff, and say “I’m on my way to meet a friend, nice chatting with you.” After many of these approaches you’ll find that girls respond in a predictable way: sometimes entertaining, most of the time boring.

Your inner dialogue is what sets you up for rejection. Instead of saying “this girl is going to reject me because she is beautiful” say “Great, if she rejects me than I am one step closer to finding my dream girl.” There is no such thing as rejection or failure; there is only feedback on how you are coming across.

Your family is the base of your emotional traits. From growing up, if you were accustomed to being put down every time you express yourself or ashamed when talking to a girl, you will carry this with you throughout your life, and default to the same accustomed emotional response. There is an internal gauge that sets our accustomed feeling. If we are feeling overly excited, we lower that feeling to bring it back to what we are accustomed to, and if we are feeling very bad, we lift it up to the accustomed feeling. Familiar feelings are a trap to be aware of.

Comfort is your enemy! when you are playing video games or watching TV you are comfortable. Are you growing? Are you learning? ofcourse not. Maybe you will learn how to cut corners well playing Grand Turismo but that’s about it. Be unreasonable. Get uncomfortable. Start conversation with the hot girl shopping at the mall or the hard body girl at the gym, or the sexy professional waiting in line at Starbucks. Approach large groups, including groups with guys in them, over and over, and get used to it. Bomb. After a while it means nothing to you. The more you approach, the better you will become, and you will have this trait for life.

The only way out of fear is through it. It’s comfortable to make excuses, but you’re just lying to yourself when you do this. Fear limits the possibilities available to you, and leads to frustration, then resentment, and finally it will boil into anger. This is the threshold of whether you finally do it and take action, or accept it and live in mediocrity.

Breaking through fear is done by taking action without hesitating. Hesitation creates anxiety. Lose the “what if” questions, which will only lead to shutting down and missing opportunities. Our brains can be our best friends or our worst enemies. It can paint the worst picture in your mind when you ask “what if” questions. 95% of the time what you worry about never happens!

Avoid trying to look good and worrying about looking bad. Accept that you are learning and you won’t be perfect. There is no such thing as perfect. Be vulnerable and make a fool of yourself; it will create personality and charisma. Also it will dissolve your ego and your false sense of self and it is much more easier when life simply flows rather than trying to control the outcome and please people which is exhausting!

Be honest about what scares you. Society conditions us to hide our fears by “manning up” and not showing emotions, as if they don’t exist. Take time to think about what scares you, and what your insecurities are. Write them down, and be honest. After you write them down, and see how ridiculous they sound, then burn the damn paper, and you’ll feel better. Do it now I will wait. Seriously.

Did you do it? well if you didn’t, then make sure you do. It is a powerful exercise. Identify the cause of the fear. If you are shy, go approach and socialize. If you are afraid of coming across as lame, start joking around and busting your friends’ balls.

Confidence starts with a choice. You can either make excuses and stay where you are, or you can choose to take control of your life and take action. Ask yourself, what will happen if you don’t change. Then ask yourself, what will happen if you DO change. Then ask yourself, if you don’t change, what will not happen. Finally, ask what will not happen if you do change. Write down the answers to these questions, and be clear. This will give you insight into your goals and reasons for changing NOW.

You carry your rejection within you. You expect it, you plan it, and you look for it as proof when you walk through life. The inner voice inside yourself is trying to protect you from pain that never even exists.  Women are just trying to play the game, which is playing “hard to get”, busting guys’ balls, and testing them. Really, there is no such thing as rejection; there is only self-rejection. You see women when they’re out with miniskirts, and blowing guys off over and over. They are looking for the right man that is not intimidated by them, so be THAT man.

Getting over your fear of rejection is approaching without the intention for sex before you screen them. It’s natural to think of sex when you’re approaching an attractive women, but screen them before doing so to make sure they meet your standards. That will help you to be present and not imagining her naked in front of you. Qualify a woman based on her personality and not her breast size. In the end nothing is permanent and those firm breasts will be soggy and whats left is the connection you have with that person.

Another idea is to concentrate on rapport when you approach. This makes approaching effortless and fearless. If you take sex out of the equation, you take her power away. She has nothing to fight you back with!

Tease her to disarm her, and that will raise her performance anxiety to get back on the pedestal that you dropped her down from.

How do you get yourself to take action at the moment you need to? It is harder to take action the longer you wait, because you come up with reasons why you shouldn’t take action, which in this case is approaching attractive women.

If you allow yourself the option of waiting, you’ll always choose it over taking action. Doing nothing possesses no risks, and feels safer and more comfortable. Act as if today, next week, or next month is the end of your time on earth. What would you do? Would you approach? Would you want to leave a legacy? Heck yeah. This is the right attitude to live your life. There may never be a tomorrow, so do what you want to do with no waiting.

Talk to a woman you’re approaching as if you’ve known her for years and she’s an old buddy. If she acts aloof, tease her without any bitterness, because you are joking around with no fear. You can say something like “Are you intimidated by hot guys approaching you?” smile.

Being non-fearful and non-reactive is being unaffected and that turns women on. Women are attracted to men who are courageous, in control of themselves and their environment, not afraid to express their personality, masculine, and demonstrate survival skills.

Be aware of the trap of falling into not approaching after you’ve gotten good at it. Some guys only make approaches at specific times instead of all the time, which is a big mistake. They make excuses like not having time, not being in the mood, not “feeling it,” or “she’s not my type”. At the grocery store, don’t just shop and leave. Look around, and if there’s an attractive woman, strike a conversation with her. Always approach the first hot girl you see every day.

Approach anxiety also comes from tribal evolutionary programming. That’s why you see men go to bars and get drunk before they approach, because it’s programmed in our genes from tribal times that if you get rejected, you will lose the chances for replication. Living in tribes there is a limited amount of women, and if one rejects a man, she will tell the rest of the tribe, leaving him with two choices. He can either lead the tribe and start his own, which is not easy, or accept it and lose his chances to replicate. In some tribes, if a man was too aggressive, the leader of the tribe would kill him. Talk about fear of rejection! Luckily we live in a society where tribes consist of millions of people, so there is no rational reason for that anxiety any more.

When you feel anxious, that’s when you are growing as a person. A little fear is good, because it keeps you on the ball in your interaction. It’s the same with martial arts: a little fear keeps you focused. I want the pilot flying to be a little bit nervous. That means he is taking himself and his job seriously.

Step by step progress is the best way to make progress, otherwise you’ll become overwhelmed. The key is making small changes day to day consistently.

Four keys to overcoming your nervousness:

  1. Be aware of your negative thoughts about yourself or people in general, and replace them with positive thoughts.
  2. Be social for the sake of being social
  3. The only way to overcome your fear is by conquering it, meaning facing it over and over, and falling over and over until it becomes no big deal.
  4. Relax your body and be aware of your body language and physiology. Practice proper body language.

If you want to overcome your approach anxiety and say good bye to your fears of rejection. Then schedule a coaching session with me and start living the life style you deserve!

You can also register for a bootcamp near you where you will go through a three day life transformational learning experience includes live approaches and demonstrations on the field surrounded with coaches that will give you coaching and honest feedback.

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One comment
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    Jan 19, 2012

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