Our mind continuously receives information through the senses, and stores that information. The first step to solid inner game is understanding why we behave the way we do. Learn more about the way of the mind below...
Our mind continuously receives information through the senses, and stores that information. The first step to solid inner game is understanding why we behave the way we do. When a particle of information is repeated frequently, it forms a belief. Beliefs impact the way we perceive our reality and the way we behave in that reality.
The inputs that support beliefs are called reference experiences. Once you have a belief about something, your brain will disregard any reference experiences that contradict the belief. We perceive reality through the filters of our beliefs. For example, if you were raised in a religious family that frowned upon sex, you will hold the belief that sex is bad.
The way to change a belief is to use powerful reference experiences that interrupt the existing pattern. These can be positive life-changing events, such as taking a bootcamp, or negative, like an accident or traumatic experience. Another way to change beliefs is by creating new reference experiences consistently and with repetition, which form a new belief over time, the same way the original belief was created.
Out of all the data received from your senses, your brain focuses on experiences that cause emotional reactions, creating a physical link between the motivator, or stimuli, and the response. In the future, the same or similar set of motivators will produce the same response. The stronger the emotional response involved, the stronger this link will be, and future experiences will reinforce that link. This process is referred to as conditioning or anchoring.
Your brain encourages you to seek out experiences that lead to pleasure, and avoid experiences that cause pain. Importantly, it will go to greater lengths to avoid pain than to seek pleasure. This is why it is difficult to break habits like smoking or overeating. Even though long-term goals will provide pleasure, if there is enough pain in the short term, your brain will sabotage your progress in an attempt to avoid pain.
Many times the reason you aren’t achieving the goals you want is because you associate more pain towards them than pleasure. You can switch this by associating more pain with failing to do the task you really want and a little more fun towards doing it. According to Tony Robbins this is called gaining leverage. For example, this could be every time you see an attractive woman and fail to approach her, you owe ten dollars to a friend and when you do approach her regardless of the outcome you go reward yourself and grab a beer with the boys kick back or watch the game.
By that, you will be associating more pain with losing the ten dollars and more pleasure in having a beer with the boys which will entice you to not hesitate and approach.
We don’t link much pain to our introversion and social withdrawal because loneliness isn’t painful to the subconscious mind, it is actually COMFORTABLE. Which I like to refer to the DEATH OF GROWTH! The subconscious mind is used to the comfort of isolation. It feels safe to avoid people because you avoid rejection by doing avoiding people. Unless you are planning to live in your safety net avoiding your fears, then that my friend is pattern worth interrupting.
Our brain is always trying to protect us based on our current beliefs and anchors, even if it contradicts our conscious awareness of our goals. This sabotage is called secondary gain. By this model, it is easy to see what causes shyness and social anxiety. We hold dangerous generalizations about ourselves and others, like “I’m unattractive to women” “Women are not attracted to guys that are not rich tall and handsome” “I’m not good enough” “I am not funny” “people don’t like me” and so on and so forth of the self crippling conversations we carry with ourselves. Our heads are more like meaning making machine. Something happens and we immediately judge, perceive, and make rules. If your high school crush girl told you that you are ugly go away, you make a meaning that girls think you are ugly, so avoid hot girls and stick to your own caliber.
These beliefs are subconsciously and firmly attached, and we have painful anchors to the feeling of being rejected. As a result, we avoid the short-term pain of meeting people and getting dates for the fear getting rejected, even though the long-term goal is healthy loving relationships which could be very enticing. This pattern is wired into our subconscious mind and nervous system. The good news is that you can eradicate these old limiting beliefs and substitute them with new beliefs that empower you and even inspire you. Schedule your first phone call and start learning more about your brain and how to go by mastering yourself.
In order to eradicate shyness and social anxiety, you must work with your subconscious mind, and the rest will come naturally. Your own thoughts are part of the input. When you think of an experience in your mind, you have the same emotional response as when it actually happens. Your unconscious mind does not differentiate between whats real and whats imaginative. Thats why you have good or bad feelings when you recall a specific event. Right now try it. Remember a time in your past when something happened that shaped part of your life. It could be winning a ball game, getting the highest grad in class, or a rough relationship break up. Close your eyes and recall the event. Notice what you see, what you hear, what you feel. Breathe the same way you were breathing back then, now. Go through the movie as if it is happening from your own eyes now. Consciously you are aware that this is not real, but your unconscious mind stores it along with other reference experiences from the past.
Every time you relive a rejection or failure and feel sorry for yourself, you are reinforcing the problem. Physiologically there is no difference between a real and imagined experience. To feel bad is a natural human emotion, but being overly negative and analytical about it is unhealthy. Avoid dwelling on past painful experiences or people that make you feel bad; instead accept them and move on to future pleasure.
You can make small changes in your everyday life. When you ask yourself self-defeating questions, your subconscious mind goes to its database of reference experiences. “Why am I unsuccessful with women?” Your subconscious mind answers “Because you are a loser/ugly/short/etc.” and finds reference experiences, such as a time when a girl rejected you, that strengthen the belief that you are unsuccessful with women. Everything that happened to you is stored in your memory, so you have reference experiences that can support the experience you want. However, once you have a firmly established belief, your subconscious mind will ignore any experiences that contradict this belief. Many times you have been successful, outgoing, and confident in your life, but if your self-talk is you are shy, then your mind will fail to remember the positive experiences.
Basically, you can ask any question to yourself, and your subconscious mind will be able to find an answer. If you ask yourself “What makes me interesting?” your subconscious mind will find reference experiences that supports that question. So the key is to ask yourself empowering questions, such as the following:
After interacting with a woman and it didn’t go well, instead of grabbing the base ball bat and start pounding yourself for being stupid or unlovable ask yourself questions such as these:
Has anything interesting happened to me lately that I can share with her?
There are ways you can create an anchor that will put you in a positive emotional state. It is possible to re-experience a time in your life when you felt confidence, at your peak performance. It could be a ball game, an argument, or a time you’ve helped a friend and felt good about yourself. Remembering these times, you can anchor the associated emotions in your body by reliving the experience seeing it from your own eyes happening all over again, feeling what you felt, and hearing what you heard.
When your subconscious find falls into a reactive pattern, that will generate a default emotion or reaction that is consciously harmful to you. You can interrupt that pattern in the middle of the experience, by doing something completely outrageous and unrelated, like screaming, laughing, clapping, or even jumping up and down. Just make sure you are calibrated to your environment. If you feel yourself start to cave in and lean in during an interaction with a woman, you can interrupt that pattern by laughing, clapping, or even a Hi5 to snap yourself out of the negative state you are about to dive in.
If a woman asks about your behavior, you can just smile and say “Just having a good time.”
We can change our state, or the way we feel in the moment, by changing our physiology. If you are depressed, you usually frown, droop your shoulders, hunch your back, and look down. If you are happy, you will smile, stand up straight, and look up with relaxed facial expressions. This process can be reversed. If you change your physiology, you can change your mood!
Try it right now: hunch your shoulders, look down, and frown. How do you feel? Now, even if you don’t feel good, go ahead smile, stand up straight, and put your shoulders back, take a deep breathing, and see how you feel. There will be a noticeable difference in your state.
We create our reality through our words. Be very careful with your words. Words are strong anchors, and people respond to them differently. The word “decent” to a reserved, religious woman has more impact for her than it would for a party girl. Using the right words with the right people, you can build strong rapport quickly. The same goes with your self-talk. Watch your words: instead of saying “I’m shy” you can say “I’m introverted” or “I’m reserved.” Instead of saying “I’m depressed” you can say “I’m just under the weather.” Instead of saying I am not good with women you can say I haven’t been successful with women. Notice in the last one I used the past tense which implies that anything is possible in the now.
You can use this same principle to anchor positive sexual feelings in a woman through your words. For example, telling a story about a friend and his girlfriend, and how she was feeling in his presence, will cause the woman you are talking with to relate those same emotions with you, even if the story was about someone other than her.
Another way your subconscious mind works is on imaginary symbols and metaphors. That is directly related to how you talk to yourself. For example, what are your metaphors?
Be careful with your metaphors. Write them down so they become clear. Then have them on your mirror and go through them in the morning.
If you want to get this area of your life that is called inner confidence around women and dating. Let me help you. Only actions create results. Not how I feel about it. We are men and we can put our emotions on the side and perform. It is just our society conditioned us to become wuss bags and followers of what is considered “cool” by the chick on the commercial.
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